It's a beginning

Recently a dear cousin asked me what I've been doing to, "stay so happy and productive," and I almost fell off my chair laughing.  I had just had yet another day at work were I felt crazier and crazier as the day went on until I couldn't stand it anymore, and couldn't wait to get out of there. I felt pretty buggy, and as many years as I've been doing healing work and soul searching and self-awareness exercises and advanced psychic development and training, I would have thought I wouldn't get buggy anymore. But I do. That's one of the things I miss about my mother and the spirituality of her peers. You could be a good Catholic without being perfect. You did your best, took action to make a difference in the lives of those around you, talked and listened to the god of your heart and practiced forgivess daily. These days the expectations are so distorted and the agreements to go along with them so prevelant it's hard to just be honest and authentic and perfectly human, not perfect like stagnant imaginary standards.

So I'm on a mission to be perfectly human and to be relaxed and self accepting. And this job is part of that because really, it is not now nor has it ever been my passion to do accounting in any of the forms I have done it or am currently doing in. (Terrible grammer but you get the point.) I've been on my case for "hiding" in the bookkeeping jobs but that's where talking things over with friends is so great, for a more neutral, healing perspective. Today my pal Tony said, "You aren't hiding - you're working to pay the bills! There's no dishonor in that. And it's okay that you are doing that job even if it isn't your spiritual mission on Earth. You gotta balance being spiritual with action steps. When the time is right for you to be doing something else, you will. In the meantime don't give yourself additional grief for getting a little crazy when you're having to spend so much time in an unnatural, toxic environment. It's not that the people you work with and for are bad or evil, but it is an unnatural situation and just because it is common as dirt doesn't mean it's not crazy making. Any time there is a person who has the power to fire you and that person can tell other people who work there who they can spend time with and talk to, well it's a crazy world we live in. Don't add to it by making youself wrong by judging yourself for getting a little wiggy by be in that crazymaking environment."

 That did help a lot. One of the things I've seen over and over again is that The Truth may be hard but it never makes you bleed. Sad, maybe, but it doesn't make you pay and pay all the time. Whatever that is, it's not The Truth. The truth sets you free because you don't have to pretend anymore; you don't have to cover up or run away anymore. The truth is I am not on this earth to be a good administrative assisant or office worker. Once I accept that and stop making myself wrong for finding that environment to be so totally toxic, the less my body will have to act out with illnesses to try to get my attention.

Tomorrow is Monday and Monday's aren't too bad usually. Everyone still has the scent of their real lives all about them so they are less inclined to mess with each other.  In the meantime, I have started a blog. There's an action step taken in my favor. It really is true that what is inside you must be expressed or what is inside you will kill you. What 's inside me is a poet and painter and essayist and clairvoyant and spiritual teacher, and I have to act on those parts of me or it won't be pretty!

It's a beginning.